Matt Damon asked his friends what they were planning for his birthday.
They told him "We bought a kazoo".
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake."
Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
Forget about the past, you can't change it.
Forget about the future, you can't predict it.
Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing.
I told my computer that today is my birthday,
and it said that I needed an upgrade.
It's my wife's birthday tomorrow.
Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present. 'Oh, I don't know ,' she said . 'Just give me something with diamonds.
That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards.
"When's your birthday?"
Unfriending facebook people on their birthday. Some things in life just make me smile
I gave Ashton Kutcher a gift for his birthday and he said "Dude Where's My Card?"
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
That awkward moment when you say "Hey!" to someone at school, not realizing it's their birthday until later that day when you get on Facebook.
I went to Nicolas Cage's birthday party and the cake was "Gone In 60 seconds".
Birthday Bar Jokes
Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday. Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner. Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"
His employees replied, "No."
Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bottle of scotch?"
"His employees replied again, "No."
Finally the boss asked, "I give up. What is it?"
His workers responded, "A puppy."
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck.
She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less.
And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
You Know your Old when
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
"Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 94 around the golf course.
When you're told to act your own age, and you die.
Birthday One Liners
Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, pennies, shooting stars, 11:11 and birthday candles: Do your job.
Dear google. Happy birthday. You just turned 14 and you know so much. Thank you for helping me with my homework. Sincerely Me.