New Years Jokes

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.

My New Years resolution is 1080p

I’m getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night.

My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.

If your born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!

I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year!

If 2019 was a person, I’d sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.

This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

You don’t have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.

People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow.

I’ll remember 2019 like it was yesterday

Dear Luck, …..can we be friends in 2018 Please?

I raised my left leg before the ball dropped so I could start the New Year off on the right foot.

In 2020, may your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you, and heaven accept you.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.

I hereby resolve not to catch fire while riding a flaming hoverboard….again.

Dear God, my prayer for 2019 is a FAT bank account and a THIN body. Please don’t mix it up like you did this year.

I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck they’d get a Bloody Mary.

Remember you can reset your resolutions on January 14th (Orthodox New Year) and January 25th (Chinese New Year). After that, even I can’t help you.

I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2019 and a beautiful beginning into 2020.

Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them.

Every year I make a resolution to change myself……. this year making a resolution to be myself!

I’m planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2020.

Just heard that in 2020 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it’s called alcohol.

My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years Resolutions….That way I succeed at something!

Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn’t drinking enough of it.

Keep the smile, Leave the tear, Hold the laugh, Leave the pain, Think of joy, Forget the fear.
Be joyous, cause its a New Year.

New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.

I’m actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.

My 2020 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose.

People think New Years is a life changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Years resolutions.

I heard Donald Trump wants to Make New Years Eve Great Again.

I was going to quit drinking for the new year, but then I remembered no one likes a quitter.

It’s officially New Year Eve, you only have a couple of hours to do all the things you will resolve not to do in the new year.

Tonight the Mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington.

There have been many times in 2019, when I have annoyed you, distubed you, irritated you, and bugged the hell out of you….today I just wanna tell you I plan to continue in 2020!

The only ball that will be dropping on Times Square this New Years Eve is MINE.
Sincerely,
Lance Armstrong.