When I don’t feel well, I drink, and when I drink, I don’t feel well. – Jokes

Chemically speaking, alcohol is a solution.

Yo mamas so dumb when I said “Drinks on the house.” She got a ladder

I don’t have a drinking problem. I drink because I have problems.

Two midgets walk into a mini-bar.

If you drink and drive, don’t forget your car.

If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy alcohol.

You lost me at “non-alcoholic”

When a ghost drinks boos, they get sheet-faced.

My girlfriend told me her spirit animal is a tiger. I told her my spirit animal is Grey Goose.

I’m a recovering alcoholic. Or as my mate describes me, hungover.

Drinking alcohol makes me absinthe minded.

When I don’t feel well, I drink, and when I drink, I don’t feel well.

Money can’t buy happiness. Just kidding yes it can, if that money is used to buy alcohol.

I’m in a commited relationship with Jim Beam.

I was drinking at the bar last night, so I took a bus home…That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.

An alcoholic hits his woman, a stoner hits it with his woman.

Men make passes at girls who drain glasses.

I’m not alcoholic, I only drink twice a year. When it’s my birthday, and when it’s not my birthday.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, “My name is Tom and I’m an alcoholic?”

I asked this blonde in a bar if she liked cocktails.
She replied: “I don’t know – tell me one!”

A guy offers a girl a drink, but the girl says alcohol is bad for her legs,
The guy ask “Do they swell?”
The girl replies “No they spread”

A woman walks up to an obnoxious drunk at a bar and tells him, “If you were my husband, I’d poison your drink.”
The man replies, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

A Shot of Whiskey

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket.

He does this over and over again.

Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards look into his pocket.

The man responded, “I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i’ll go home.”

Bar One Liners
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “So, why the long face?”

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer, and a mop.”

A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.

A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.

A man walks into a bar. OUCH! You would have thought he would have seen it!

A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, “For you, no charge!”

An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!

A man gets off work goes across the street,walks into a bar…and about 20 minutes later, he comes too with a massive headache…

Homeless Man
A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.

The man asked, “Will you buy booze?”

The bum replied, “No.”

Then the man asked, “Will you gamble it away?”

The bum said, “No.”

Then the man asked the bum, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

Drunk Driving

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper.
Upon being tested, the fellow couldn’t walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn’t coming back to him, drove home and went to bed.
He was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers. “Are you Mr. Johnson?” the asked?
He admitted that he was. “Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?”
Again, the man admitted that was he. “And what did you do then,” the troopers asked.”
The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
“Where is your car now?” the troopers enquired.
The man answered that it was in the garage.
“May we see the car?” asked the troopers.
The man answered, “Sure,” and opened the garage.
Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

Moral Of the Story
One day at the end of class little Billy’s teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story….

The next day Billy tells his story….

“My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands”

Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story….Billy replies, “Yeah… don’t mess with my dad when he’s been drinking

Drunk Husband

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.
“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. “One, two, three, four. You’re right, you know.”

Wino

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, sir. You’re obviously drunk”
The wasted wino asked, “Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Obviously relieved, the wino said “That’s a relief – I thought I was a cripple.”

Marriage
A guy talks with his friend about his marriage:
“It’s getting bad these days, my wife spends her evenings going around the bars of the city.”
“Is she an alcoholic?” the friend asks
“No, she’s looking for me.”

Police Patrol

From the state where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this absolutely true story.

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Fort Worth, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his truck and trailer and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he got into the car and started the engine, switched the wipers on and off….it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left. Finally, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, ‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.’ ‘I seriously doubt it’, said the truly proud Hillbilly. ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy.’

Worms

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey.
The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died.
“All right, son.” asked the father, “what does that show you?”
“Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.”

Better Boyfriend
Two girls were comparing boyfriends.
“Mine’s the best,” said the first. “I call him Seven-Up because he’s 7 inches long and he’s always up!”
“Oh yeah,” exclaimed the other, “I call my boyfriend Jack Daniel’s because he’s the best hard licker there is!”

Just Looking
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”

“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Alcoholic Pick Up Lines

“Girl, this isnt a beer belly, its a fuel tank for my love machine!

Here is $30. Drink until I am really good looking, then come to talk to me.

Your one tall glass of Labatts Blue and I’m real thirsty.

Girl, I would buy you a drink but I’d be jealous of the glass.

“Baby, you put the ‘hot ass’ in my shot glass.

I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.

(After spilling a beer on a pretty lady) Did you just take a shower or is it me that’s making you wet?

Hey, you owe me a drink. I dropped mine when you walked past.

Toasts

Here’s a toast to the nights we wont remember with the friends we’ll never forget.

To Summer, Alcohol, and Friends!

Friends that drink together, stay together

Our hangovers will last a day, but the memories we make tonight will last a lifetime.